What Is Bloody Hell Going On Inside of Me!?

My Life In The Light
Its been 1 week,

A week of my own effort trying to find a life. Finding a life apart from You (Lord Jesus Christ). Every second living was dreadful, feeling separated and alone drifting uncertain on a sea of tireless waves. Back then, i thought i left Him and was totally alone, it seems not now, He was like standing somewhat in a close distance watching and challenging me continuously. Amid my solitary conscience, He sent angels in form of friends, and encouragement from a source i could not believe. One of them was my parents, i hardly listen to anything they say, but there was this time they didnt speak wide and long to me but instead gave me a scripture. It was the same as the scripture i had as a poster in my room sticking to my personal locker.

Philippians 4:6

6 Do not be
anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with
thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

Meditated on that one simple verse which relates my whole relationship with Him once again. It just brought the peace of God back to me, how awesome the feeling.. I don't even know what word to use that could describe that euphoria. This verse is so one of my favourites.

Anyway, occassionally i do feel like i am the king of excuses because i simply have one for every selfish thing i do; that is whenever i did it. As i claimed in my earlier posts, i believe everyone is guilty of self-centeredness because even the most caring person in the world for once must had once been self-absorbed. There is also the 'what i know i should not do but i do and what i should do i do not' scenario that is just really strangling me literally. For millions of time, i asked for forgiveness from God for my sins which i totally realise i shouldn't do; i repented. But in this context, i actually did not. That is because 'repent' in term means ~to recognize the wrong-to feel regret about a sin or some past terrible actions and CHANGE your ways~. What is bloody hell going on inside of me!? I despise my own behaviour whenever i think about it excluding those subconscious insight which is usually ignored because the loudness in influence is so minimal. This however only serves to confirm my suspicions~ that i'm still a man in need of a saviour!

I am not always this vulnerable and i am definetely not feeling very comfortable but i just felt that this should be recorded that it might enlighten someone in the future; including me. When i type these, i became honesty and the secrets that did run me are defused.

I want to live in the light! I want to shine like the stars in the heavens. There is no other place that i want to because that is right where i NEED to be...

Cheers,
Ryaniquel